10 things I've learnt about Chennai

I've lived in Chennai for quite some time. In fact its the longest I've ever stayed in one place so I consider it my home. And from my time here I've come to some pretty important conclusions about the city. So here for your consideration...

10 Things I've learnt about Chennai
1.If you give the bus conductor a 100 rupee note for a 2 rupee bus ticket he will yell at you.Even if you are a girl. He has been standing on his feet since morning, dealing with pushy commuters and their snotty children.He will not appreciate the fact that you have no change.And he will tell you so.Loudly.

2.Shopping in T Nagar is only for the suicidal. Also it is an unwritten rule of shopping that the dress the girl next to you has is exactly the one you want.

3.Eleven months of the year the sun will shine.Chennaites will complain looking up at the sky willing for a drop to fall..One month out of every year it will rain.Chennaites will be shocked by the amount of precipitation as if this hasn't happened every year since the beginning of time. The city will promptly and elegantly fall apart.Chennaites will complain because no one does irate citizen as well as a wet Chennaite. Then one day after about 2 weeks of torrential rainfall the sun will come out from behind the clouds and shine for the rest of the year..Chennaites will complain.

4. The beach is not relaxing. You will be accosted by peanut vendors,fortune telling ladies and sundal-selling preteens who should be in school. There is a high probability that you will be whacked in the head by a cricket ball or run over by horse.Also some men should never take their shirts off.

5.During Diwali it is best to stay at home. The kid on the street does not care that you would also like to use the street.He does not understand that lit firecracker+petrol filled car=Explosion. Sometimes idiots on the terrace will think its funny to aim a rocket at you from above. If you value your life and your eardrums you will stay at home and watch whatever specials Sun TV is airing that day.

6. Nobody likes a pedestrian. There is no such thing as a side walk and nobody will stop to let you cross the street. It is your responsibility to pick the right moment and dart between cars,buses and bikes. Don't even think that the zebra crossing means you have right of way.Its just a pretty pattern on the road.

7. Everyone will want to know your marks on everything. Exam results are public property. When the 12th results come out everyone in your apartment building will believe they have a right to know. They will also offer you free,unsolicited guidance on how to get into college. Also every kid that you will ever meet will have gotten 1st rank in his/her class.

8.The policemen and metal detectors at Egmore and Central are there for purely ornamental purposes. The one time you do not get a platform ticket is the one time you will get caught. Do not underestimate the aged and skinny porters for they have supernatural strength. The red shirts are the source of all their power.

9.Anybody who sells or makes chat will be north Indian. Apparently the art of chat-making is a well guarded secret that the Northies refuse to leak to us Dravidians. The chat people will not understand you if you talk in Tamil or English.They will look at you like there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Sometimes they will laugh.

10.The selling of sweets is practically a Fortune 500 Industry.Grand Sweets will always be crowded.Mostly packed with NRIs taking the bounties of their motherland back to their adopted homes. In fact Chennai's greatest export is the humble mysore pak. Also trying to get a lot of free samples and then not buying anything is frowned upon.